Hey Hey Hey, I’m Fat Halpert

Either all the pregnant women on Earth are being transplanted into Israel, or there’s about to be a huge influx of Jewish babies.

Seriously, there are more pregnant women in this town than you could possibly imagine. They’re everywhere. It’s unbelievable.

For those of you who either don’t know me at all or haven’t read even a word of this blog, let’s get this all out on the table: I’m a big fan of The Office. Like, I can quote these episodes damn near perfectly, and random moments in my life remind me constantly of situations and lines and characters from Dunder Mifflin.

But I’ve got to tell you… some things are better left on TV.

I know a guy at SC who is, one hundred percent, Andy Bernard (more pre-anger management than post). If you don’t know who he is… ask someone close to me. You’ll totally see it. You know how when Andy comes to Scranton, he says to the camera, “I’ll be the number two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake.” ? Well, I’m pretty confident they got this stuff from the guy I know at SC. Uncanny.

Some of these characters are fun to have in your life. Like as obnoxious as he is, it is funny as hell that real-life Andy exists. Seriously, funny as hell. And I think having a real-life Kevin or a real-life Kelly, even a real-life Phyllis would be funny too.

But I have discovered, the hard way, that Michael Scott, as funny as he is on television, is not meant to truly exist. How did you find this out, Matthew? Well, see, he’s sleeping in the bunk bed next to mine.

Here are some examples:

1) This guy was a pilot in Italy. This afternoon, while I was reading, I noticed he was standing at the sliding glass window just kinda looking at me. I looked over at him, and realized he was basically just posing with his black “pilot’s log,” which he absolutely does not need for anything. He keeps changing the way he’s holding it, until he feels he’s caught my attention.

He says, “it’s a pilot’s log.” I say, “oh, yeah.” He says, “I told you i was a pilot right?” and I say “yeah you did.” He says “Yeah. Pretty much flew all over.”

2) In the episode The Secret, from season 2, Michael fancies himself Jim’s best friend, so every time Jim gets up to do anything, he asks him where he’s going and if he wants company. He also tells everyone that they’re like, best friends.

This has happened to me continuously since Friday. Tonight he came in with a slice of pizza, and I was about to head out to get dinner. “Where are you going?”

“Oh, I’m going to get some dinner.”

“Ah, I’ll go with you!”

“Oh, actually, yeah I’m ok. Thanks though.”

“No I’m saying, I will like to go with you.”

“Oh, yeah, no that’s cool, I’m good. Thanks though.”

3) How about Chair Model, when Michael asks everyone for the names of women? Today he says, “you know any of the bitches?”

“Sorry what?”

“I need to find the girls. You know any i can make it with?”

“Wow.”

4) Yesterday was Diversity Day for me. He asked me if I was for Obama or McCain, and I said Obama, and he said, and I quote: “Ah, the black man. You’re ok with that?”

Matthew: “With what?”

Michael Scott: “With the n**gers?”

(matthew: blank stare, awestruck, grasping for the right words.)

Michael Scott: “Oh, you know, I mean the dark, the black people, in America, they’re black.”

Matthew: “Um… yeah…”

Michael Scott: “I get so angry with the people that don’t like the blacks. It’s like, they are so insensitive. The racism is terrible, I wish it would go away forever!”

5) In The Merger, when Karen comes in for the first time, Michael says in a martian/robot voice, “Take me to your leader… oh wait, I am your leader,” and then laughs at himself. In Goodbye Toby he talks to Holly in a Yoda voice. My Michael is a personal fan of the daffy duck noises. He does it, and then like a little kid, he waits for me to acknowledge his cleverness. He’s not even remotely self-aware, either… if I don’t acknowledge him, he keeps going til I do. If I do acknowledge him, he does it more. So it’s lose lose. Lose.

6) You know how Michael will interrupt Jim all the time for pointless crap? Like at the beginning of Traveling Salesmen, he uses the computer to talk to Jim… “Me so horny, me love you long tim. Long time, me lub yoy long time. You ruined a funny joke you, get out of my offive.” … “Boobs!”

Today I was studying, and he waved at me to stop listening on my headphones, so I took them off, and he showed me his computer. He had top gun playing, and he goes, “pretty great right? Do you want to watch?”

“No, man, thanks… i’m, you know, studying.”

 

When I look at this stuff, I can see the similarities to Andy… but the big difference is Andy only suckles at the power tit, while Michael just needs attention and friends. I’m pretty sure that if I were to be staying even one day longer than I am, I’d have to clamp my Michael’s face in a George Forman grill. Also I think there’s one glaring difference between Michael Gary Scott and Michael Giueseppe Scott, which is that tv Michael has, every once in a while, a redeeming quality that shines through. You know he means well, and that he’s a good guy, just an idiot. Real Michael, as far as I can see, hasn’t got these hidden nuggets.

So that’s my story. Tomorrow morning I’m going to get residency, and then I think I’m going to move all my money over to an Israeli bank account. Today the dollar is worth 3.31שח, and it’s dropping so fast that I need to get away from it stat. 4 days til i move in, or rather, 4 more nights of sleep in this hostel, with Michael, and then I’m free at last.

Anyway, needed to share with you. Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy: Both. I want people to fear how much they love me.