Enter the Dragon, Exit the Matthew

It’s Saturday night, and I’m slouched over my computer outside my favorite coffeeshop, the one where the waiters know my name, the one Emily and I were invited to for a mini-New Years party on Wednesday night. There’s Hebrew pop playing over the speakers and a nice little heater lit above me.

Yall wouldn’t believe how uncharacteristically cold it’s been here. Like… it was 45 degrees here last night; i went to get my coffee in 4 layers. Last time I wore 4 layers, I was on a mountain. And this is freakin Israel! I mean come on.

Another boring Shabbat. Woke up late, wandered over to that long lost sandwich place down near Nev’Tzedek, walked back, cleaned and finished packing my clothes… now that I’m living out of a suitcase again, I felt it appropriate to visit my minimall and grab a cup of coffee from Israel’s version of Starbucks, Aroma, the folks I used to jack internet from. I came home, watched the news, skyped with Mom and with Allison, and then bundled up and came out here.

By the way, anyone wondering about the title of this entry… the Jews have entered Gaza on the ground. This military incursion is enjoying about 80% approval, if not more, and I have to tell you that, for maybe the first time in 8 years, I am fond of the way the White House is responding to the situation out here. Asking Israel to participate in a one-sided ceasefire is ludicrous, and I appreciate the Bush Administration’s willingness to stand beside the IDF in the face of the protesters and others.

I’m safe, my friends are safe, and all is well here in Tel Aviv.

Anyway, as promised, you’re about to enjoy the third and final installment of Things That Make Me Feel Sorry for English as a 2nd Language Students, or as they call it on the streets, TTMMFSFEAASLS. Before we do that though, I think a refresher would do. I won’t offer explanations, but here’s the list so far:

Round one featured such classics as By myself, I can’t stand it, and Hold on, highlighting our unique predilection toward nonsensical or obscure direct objects. We also examined, That’s right, not to be confused with whatever is left, and Big day, which clearly demonstrates our unique ability to qualify uniform units of time with varying size adjectives. Then there was T-Shirt, which (still) nobody has explained to me, and of course the panel(of one)’s unanimous favorite, That’s what she said.

In round two, we again had problems with direct objects when we saw I am finished in the starting lineup. Take my temperature demonstrated English’s problems with verbs, and Lay lie lain lied laid showed everyone  mine. And finally, let’s not forget the vertical marching commands: Hurry up, slow down, slow up… and of course, Catch up. 

So with half a week in the Holy Land remaining, and with admittedly diminished knowledge of the English tongue, here it is, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The third and final installment of…

Things That Make Me Feel Sorry for English as a 2nd Language Students!

Pay attention: If you think really hard about the logic of this, it actually does make some sense. The whole idea is that you owe someone your attention, and when you owe someone something, the appropriate response is to pay them that something. But when you owe me a favor, I’d never say, “Pay favor!” and when you owe me an explanation, it’s rare that I say, “Pay explanation!” And it’s weird that it’s a command. Like, we can pay our respects, but we don’t pay our attention. The whole thing gives me a headache.

Lack of verb forms. Seriously, guys, think of another language with as few patterns as ours. In spanish, there are -ar, -er, and -ir verbs, and you conjugate based on who you’re talking about or to. In Hebrew, there are Po’al, Pi’el, Haf’il, hitpa’el, pu’al, huf’al, and hif’ael. All of the verbs fit into one of these categories, just like in Spanish and, like, every language. But English? To run, to dance, to lick, to sing, to count, to speak, to dream, to think, to focus, to point, to choose… and we don’t really have future or past tenses. We’re crazy man.

Pardon my french may be slang, may not. I don’t know where it falls. But I assure you that the big f and other funsies are not french. I’ve heard french people cuss, and believe me, they sound nothing like that.

Just just. I have no problem with words that sound the same but mean different things. If you can’t figure that out, it’s not because English is so hard, it’s because you’re dumb. But two words that sound the same, look the same, but mean completely different things… that’s tough. And when it’s possible to use one as the other’s adverb… well that just makes brains explode. “Your honor, it’s not a question of wants or needs; what we’re asking from you is just just,” says the lawyer. She looks to the jury and says quietly, “All I’m saying is, we can’t send him to jail for such a slight slight.”

Let’s split up. There we go again with those stupid vertical prepositions. I’m cool with “let’s split our single group into multiple groups” and I have no problem with “let us divide.” But split up makes no more sense than split down or split out or split around. And prepositions are never supposed to end sentences. Thank you Mrs. Caldwell, and again, I’m sorry I didn’t seem to know that before ninth grade. 

Somewhat. Woah, look at you Webster. You think you’re all that just because you can combine an adjective and an interrogative pronoun and magically create an adverb? A little “two plus pajama equals marshmallow” action? Well I got news for you: I’ll take you manywhere, severalhow.

Actually. I didn’t realize how strange it is that we use this word until I tried to use it in hebrew. The translation for actually is האמת היא, which literally means “The truth is,” and if you really think about what “actually” means, it “actually” means “the actual truth is…” So when I say, “I’d like a cup of water. Oh, actually I’d like a hot dog,” what I’m essentially telling my very, very confused waiter is that I pulled a fast one on her. “I’d like a cup of water… wait did you believe me?? Gotcha!! The true story is that I would really like a hot dog… wait for it… no seriously, get me a hot dog.”

And here are some runners-up: Do you all realize that it is possible to tune in, tune out, and tune up? I think that’s pretty gnarly too. Additionally, one can turn up after six months, turn down a job offer, turn around their rotten life, turn over a new leaf, and turn in a term paper, but it’s pretty rare to turn beyond, behind, beneath or between. Prepositions are totally awesome.

And so, my friends, this concludes the final installment of Things That Make Me Feel Sorry for English as a 2nd Language Students. With that, I will return to the apartment and get my beauty rest. Kisses from torah town.